x145 TRUCK TURNER (6/27/98)

Director: Jonathan "Night Call Nurses" Kaplan
Writters: Michael "Flash Gordon" Allin, Jerry "it's my only credit in the IMDb" Wilkes, Oscar "Death Drugs" Williams
Producers: Paul M. "The Pack" Weller and Fred "Gymkata" Weintraub.

Isaac "Theme from Chef" Hayes stars as Jane Fonda's brother in law, Truck Turner in this nearly audible tribute to old time vaudeville. Plot takes a back seat to gunfire, car chases, and general malaise as Truck chases skips and hunts bounties. He kills a pimp slash rapist slash baby eater or some other such nonesense, and the dead guy's woman slash madam played by Uhura hires Yaphet Kotto to slur his speech menacingly at him. Featuring Scatman Crothers as the head of Interpol and the only man Truck ever loved.

Bice> Hot Jogging Action
GersonL> Man, Little Richard really let himself go
Bice> The really low budget Jack Nicholson
Ironf> That clearly was a picture from 20 years ago. I totally believe that.
Ironf> Was this before or after issac landed the spot on Love Boat?
GersonL> Do you like music? You're gonna love these guys!
Bice> Sunroofs of the 70s
MrBooze> A black police officer? In the 70s?
Ironf> These are actually subdued for a 70's wardrobe
Bice> We need the Beaver's mom to translate this jive for us.Uhura!
Bice> Suddenly the film switches to black and white.
GersonL> Dear lord, close all the hailing frequencies
Ironf> So, giant spandex bellbottoms
Bice> Shove it up your ______ Wallet? Mattress? You decide.
GersonL> You know, that outfit makes starfleet uniforms look almost respectable
Bice> Is he trying to be undercover by casually reading porn?
Bice> So *that's* what the sunroof is for.
Bice> I'll have to try that.
Ironf> WOW you can really tell that Gator is a pimp
Ironf> ummm a shopping cart of do-nuts?
GersonL> A baby carriage full of bagels? Bizzare.The bagels in question
Bice> The 70s, when a full-on collision only put a dent in your car.
Ironf> It's Motor City Demo-Derby
GersonL> But he hit him with his rear, so the other guy's insurance'll pay
Bice> Hey, he ran a stop sign. Where's that cop when you need him?
Bice> He lept and rolled from a movie car, but didn't lose his pimp hat. Must be superglued on there.
Ironf> and the pimpmobile dies a horrible death
GersonL> Here at 3M, we process saltwater and pimps for a better tommorow
GersonL> Meahwhile, in DoomYou ain't nobody without a yellow hat
Bice> I like the extra echo on the waka-chicka for that underground effect.
Ironf> That's gotta sting, the pimp stealing your car
GersonL> He can't really be a pimp if he'd drive that car
Bice> I like the generic squeeling tire sound effects.
Ironf> especially when the cars are on dirt
Bice> Just stand still while I get this chair to hit you with...
Bice> Hi-Keeba!
GersonL> And remeber angry mob, attack them one at a time!
Bice> He just killed the lady who lives upstairs.
GersonL> wow, this movie has taken a very ugly turn
Bice> Looks like he picked the wrong week to deliver booze.This looks like a job for Superfly
Bice> Oh god, they've dragged Scatman Cruthers into this.
Ironf> The Scatman Cometh
GersonL> Dunkin Donuts is runninga special on Scatman Crueller's this week
* dungarees slaps GersonK for the Cruellers comment.
Bice> The dialog has moved up to a range that only dogs can hear.
Ironf> Wowsa, he must be tough to hold the guy with one hand, and with that angle too
Bice> Pick up that ___ ____ ____ telephone you dumb ____ _____.
GersonL> That is one sweaty pimpHe died with his yellow tuxedo shirt on
GersonL> He's gonna make sweet love to her down by the fire!
Bice> Really saves on the movie's budget if your star can also do the soundtrack.
Bice> Makes Issac sort of the Blaxploitation Elvis.
GersonL> That's his pussy. 'cept it acts like a d... oh never mind
GersonL> Nobody gets a bigger crowd at their funeral than a pimp
Bice> I love the hooker funeral clothes.
MrBooze> Diamond-studded eyepatch?
MrBooze> Why are they sprinkling him with allspice?Why you shouldn't run with scissors
Bice> This scene cut from Dr. Detroit.
GersonL> It's the pimpfather
GersonL> Chunky Whore? IS that with nuts or without?
GersonL> It's Pimpdex 78, the biggest trade show in the industry
Balthayzr> This is the goofiest version of Gone With The Wind I've ever seen.
Balthayzr> Black Sampson........'s brothers chiropractor.
Balthayzr> Bucket of Blood? Blockbuster's got it fer rent for 99 cents!
MrBooze> 20K? THat's it?
MrBooze> They could make more than that working the cashier at Long's.
Balthayzr> The group around the table looks like the tryouts for Mortal Kombat 5.
GersonL> This was the 70's, a dime used to be worth like, 12 cents back then
dungarees> She's just not as cool as Big Momma.
dungarees> Was this turtle-neck really necessary?
Bice> This is just ruining my image of Uhura.
Balthayzr> Hey, the boss from Homicide's working undercover!
MrBooze> The fan dance in ST5 didn't ruin it already, Bice?
Bice> Oh, I forgot about that MrBooze. Actually, "expelled it from my memory" would be more acurate. But you're right.
dungarees> Somewhere Jonathan and Jennifer Hart are in danger.
* Balthayzr checks the needle on his TV, to see if he can't stop the dialogue from skipping.
GersonL> Pay your electirc bill or the Con Ed hitmen will get you
Bice> Shirtless middle aged white guys - this just gets better and better.
Balthayzr> Ah, the '70's, when guns made a sound you could hear from 7 time zones away.
GersonL> He's dressed like Sherlock Holmes
Balthayzr> Stay off the Moors!!!
GersonL> So, hoes get medical these days?
Balthayzr> No dental, though.
dungarees> He's got a double dose of pussy.
Balthayzr> Guest starring: Morris.
Bice> This movie hates milk!
GersonL> 'cuz it's white Bice
Ironf> This movie would have been over long ago is they had just sighted thier guns before going after him.
Balthayzr> Oh, yea, that shooter will blend right into any crowd...
MrBooze> He's making a roof angel!
Ironf> not a railing, repeat, not a railing
Bice> Gotta like a movie with dancing hookers.
Balthayzr> Nice to see turner's hoe farm has a step-arobics class.
dungarees> Hush, now don't tell momma, shush now, don't tell momma.
Balthayzr> You better______ before I _________ and then he __________ all over your __________!!!!!
dungarees> She has National Geographic breasts.
MrBooze> Your'e out of your BLANK mind. Charles Nelson Reilly?
Balthayzr> I'm gonna say Fraggin', MrBooze.
GersonL> Booze - I said "Booty grabbing"
dungarees> I see he borrowed shaft's white man's flesh colored turtleneck.
Balthayzr> Am I to gather that black people in the 70's wore lots of plaid?
Balthayzr> We deliver your boy in 30 minutes or it's free!
dungarees> Yafet IS Ruffles the clown.
Balthayzr> What's with all the booze? he rooming with Mitchell?
Bice> The beers on the night table are bringing back unpleasent memories of Mitchell.
Balthayzr> All-Star Grimacing!!
Balthayzr> What the.....they shoot him with a stinger missile?
Ironf> Now THAT'S a sucking chest wound
Plumm> Boy, the 227 teneants association didn't much care for Lionel's proposal.
Balthayzr> But, his shirt will make a nice Piccaso....
Bice> David Crosby goes bad.
Balthayzr> Nice that he color-coordinates his shirts and eye patches.
Bice> Eyepatch guy looks a bit like Micheal Palin in bad makeup..
Balthayzr> Hallways. Your signpost to Quality Entertainment.
GersonL> Balth - he's a pimp. He's nothing if he doesn't dress smooth
dungarees> He's Horatio Nelson in an alternate sliders universe where he never bagged Lady Hamilton
Plumm> His aquarium-soled Shoes are coordinated too.
Ironf> along with the fish inside
Balthayzr> From the makers of Blacula comes.....Black Mummy!!!
Ironf> Blacula, Blackenstein, and the Black Mummy. The trio of terror straight from Harlem.
Plumm> Dorf on hospital security.
Bice> Low budget Al Pacino.
GersonL> This scene'd be better if they'd miked Isaac
Ironf> No budget Al Pacino
Balthayzr> Hang in there, baby, friday's coming!
Bice> I *knew* that cat was gonna get hung.
Balthayzr> So, blasting all their friends - no reaction. hang the cat - scream and run for your life.
Plumm> Outlet stores of the oooooold blaxploitation.
Ironf> Is he shoplifting again
Balthayzr> Someone call Security! Somehow, black people got in our store!!
GersonL> This was the inspiration for the department store scene in foxy Brown
Ironf> Red neck security?
Balthayzr> The wacki-chika music in this film is decidedly sub-par.
Ironf> We have gained a power by traveling beyond your solar system
Balthayzr> Soundtrack by Random Piano Key Hitters, Inc.
GersonL> It's not random at all, it's the same two keys over and over again
Plumm> Crosby was lain under siege at Ruby Ridge.
Bice> I was just about to say 'at least it's a rare waka-chicka free moment', but then...
Plumm> Funny thing is, the only snow on this mountain is in Crosby's cabin!
GersonL> Hey, the waka-chicka's the best part
Plumm> Thank you! I'll be here all week!
Bice> Easy as shooting pimps in a barrel.
Balthayzr> It's the new Trucker Doom patch! Play Trucker in the quiet of your own home!
Bice> yeah, that's real hair.
Plumm> Dave Barry, intern.
Balthayzr> Chad Everret?
Balthayzr> "I have to go pose for the new Ken Doll, now."
Plumm> You're elcted.... you're . . . the . . star . . today!
Bice> Standard issue hospital handgun.
Balthayzr> The hospital food sucks. I'd advise you go hunt your own.
Plumm> G's kicking ass.
Balthayzr> Hospital Squad! In Color!!
GersonL> G always kicks ass
GersonL> Cover me, ringo
Bice> Ringo Starr's evil twin.
GersonL> Is he stopping to deliver a baby?
Plumm> G's got Chucky!
Balthayzr> Raising Arizona II.
Plumm> Gunplay Bugaloo.
GersonL> Just knock a guy out of a whellchair for no reason. thank you movie.
Balthayzr> The hospital has wacka-chika Muzak?
Bice> Oh, they're playing paintball
Ironf> It is the 70's Balth
Plumm> It doubles as a porn studio, Balth.
GersonL> They killed G! You bastards!
Balthayzr> Bad character actor! Down! Down, I say!!
Ironf> umm sound?
GersonL> He's gonna fall over and wake up in the village
Bice> Are they blanking out a steady stream of obsenities here?
Balthayzr> And the license plate says......Rosebud.
Bice> This is surreal.
Balthayzr> Cameraman's tripping out.
Plumm> No, Bice, it's just poorly lit.
GersonL> Umm, when did he stand up?
Bice> Just die already!
GersonL> Oh, that's gonna stain the upholstery
Plumm> Kotto, ODed on the spaghettios.
Bice> All that just so he could fall on the horn.
GersonL> You know, Domino should have warned him about that
Balthayzr> Yea, this movie has a similar effect on me, except a different fluid is coming out of my mouth.
Plumm> That's the exact same sound she made when she sang in Star Trek V.
Balthayzr> Varriors Unite?
Plumm> Mr. Varrior, come out and play-ay-ay!?
Balthayzr> Yes, nothing says I Love You quite like a frame for Retail theft.
GersonL> Buildings! Here on Progress Island!
Balthayzr> The truck turner March!!
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
Plumm> I completely should not have ditched my friends for this HG.
Bice> Now why wasn't this movie on the list of "100 Greatest Films of all time"?
Balthayzr> I learned Uhura has had no appreciable career once trek died.
Bice> I learned what Issac Hayes looks like (before tonight I had only ever heard him)
GersonL> Now, you see, unlike QT, the director of this film knew enough to make the pointless driving scenes come during the credits, not right before
Ironf> I learned that BET is very inconsistent in their censoring of words.
Plumm> For anyone who didn;'t know, learn now that Hayes is a scientologist.
Bice> I learned that I'm too damn tired to stay up any later. 'night all.
Balthayzr> American International. Nuff Said.
Plumm> He's groving on a Hubbard high these days.
GersonL> I learned that Yaphet Kotto can be convinced to ennunciate. almost.
Balthayzr> Yaphet Kotto IS Mumbles in Black Tracy!!

"Boy she's gonna steal your drawers one day and sell them to a fence."
"Damn that's an ugly picture"
"You wanna be a rooster, you gotta check out the hens"
"We are, so every man drop his pants."
"He's a dog amongst pimps"
"They don't make pimps like they used to."
"Tell her a frog peed on your arm."
"She's called Turnpike, cuz you gotta pay to get on and pay to get off"
"Kill Truck Turner for half of your daily Shaft"??!!
"Easy, that thing cost me a lot of zuzus, you dig"

Style Tips
Sometimes it's tough to pick an appropriate outfit for every occasion. And when it comes to funerals, since not every funeral is the same, especially a pimp funeral!
You don't want to do anything that would look it was done to draw attention to your problems over those of the departed, so if you wear an eyepatch, make sure it's clear that it's only a fashion statement.
What's goes over on the corner might not go over well at the graveyard, so limit yourself to tasteful glimpses of cleavage.
Always remember, the greater your grief, the bigger your hair should be.
Black IS beautiful, but some people just look their best in white. Any good pimp wouldn't want his friends to look bad just because he was dead, so go with your gut.

GersonK is not really Chekov's love child.